Toxic Relationships
We probably have all had those relationships that rub us the wrong way… and some of these relationships are more extreme than others. Tune into our podcast this week to find more ways to identify them in your life and handle the situation, whether in a long-term or budding relationship (see the player link below).
How to recognize “toxic”:
The best way to recognize a so-called toxic relationship is to develop your skills of self-awareness and reflection. The signals for toxicity are usually observable. Are you around someone who is constantly in drama? Does interacting with them leave you drained? Contrast this with a sustaining relationship, one that leaves you invigorated and refreshed. Consider if someone in your life has the following traits:
- Angry, bitter, or jealous
- Complains often or constantly
- Needy, making strong and unreasonable demands on you
- Never satisfied with what you’re giving
For Dee, my podcast partner, she identifies problematic relationships most clearly when she removes herself from the drama and observes it. In addition to daily meditation and journaling, she recognizes the triggers she gets in an emotionally charged interaction: she feels hot, trembly, and sweaty. When that’s the case, there’s no need to have a confrontation in the moment. If you give it enough time, you will arrive at the words to say where you’re direct but not frazzled. Some breathing room allows you to speak from love not fear (as long as the issue isn’t festering during a “cooling off” period). With your own thought collected, you can say anything to anyone, directly and calmly.
In my own experience, it is critical to remove yourself and then detach from the emotions and persons involved in order to view it in a way that allows you to choose the most loving response- even if that response is to walk away.
Redefining and reframing “toxic”:
The phrase “toxic relationship” has become a buzzword. Toxic means poisonous – in other words, malicious, nasty, spiteful, or able to cause harm. That could definitely describe a challenging relationship! But another way to reframe a seemingly toxic relationship is to realize that the two parties may just not be aligned. Sometimes, two people’s values, personalities, priorities, or circumstances may just not be compatible. If you’re just not jiving, it doesn’t mean the other person is a bad person, just misaligned with what you need.
I also find it helpful to remember that nothing in life is accidental. There really is something to be learned from every relationship, and every relationship is right on schedule. This helps ground me and bring me peace. And the ultimate relationship is with yourself. In my own life, I’ve found that the way I react to someone has everything to do with me. So all relationships, even (or especially!) the challenging ones, have something to teach me about myself.
How to respond:
Setting boundaries. You may have heard it before. But it’s impossible to set a boundary that is set or intended to control someone else You’re putting it in place for yourself. It’s your limit. Your boundary should be more about what you will do – or what you will not do.
Recently Dee and I had a hateful person come at us on social media. For me, when facing that hatred, my boundary was completing ignoring it. Sometimes I would have to be more active in avoiding toxicity.
An example of responding to a toxic relationship/person in my past corporate work; if someone came to me with gossip and criticism, I would always shut it down. Someone would start complaining about another coworker, and I would immediately say, “Oh, I’m sorry I really don’t see that in them. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” One might say I had some ‘bathroom’ issues, as this was my go to. However, any person that approached me once with gossip or criticism, wouldn’t approach me a second time. Pooof. Drama, toxicity- gone.
When you recognize the negative behavior and distance yourself, it will stop.
If we could boil it down to a simple recipe, this would be it:
- Detach and observe
- Be the example
- Send love (even if that means to walk away)
Be willing to step back from the relationship:
In a toxic relationship, stepping back may be the best course of action, but we might be reluctant to do so because we don’t want to be judged or let others down. Brene Brown prompts us to consider only the opinions of people who matter most to us. We should ask, “Is this person on our ‘short list’”? In other words, are they on the list of 2-5 people whose opinions of us really hold weight? If this person is not on our list, release the conflict in love. Dee adds, you should put yourself on your “short list”! Your own opinion of yourself matters- the most!
Brene Brown also says that when someone is antagonizing us, there’s a moment when we worry that maybe we really are at fault. But it’s helpful to remember that if someone is being mean or hateful, it’s oftentimes a reflection of their own feelings and insecurities. It might have nothing to do with you.
This can be particularly challenging when a parent or spouse or a close confident has become toxic or unaligned. It’s important to remember this probably didn’t happen overnight.
Key components of how to respond to someone close to us who is toxic:
- Spend time in reflection.
- Can you put boundaries in place for yourself?
- In a quiet, detached place, acknowledge the challenges the other person may be experiencing that shape their behavior.
In those types of relationships that aren’t avoidable, the next section may also be useful.
A common denominator?
If toxic relationships are happening over and over in your life, we want to challenge you to consider your ownership in these situations. After all, you are the common denominator.
We often attract what we are putting out to the world. If there is something that you regularly are complaining about, there’s a reason you may be attracting those same problems. It’s affording you something. The problem is that we usually remain stuck in unproductive relationships and cycles because – on some level, perhaps subconsciously – it is giving us something we want. Self-reflection again is the key to growth. Why have you stayed in the cycle? If part of you enjoys getting sucked into the drama, start to imagine your life without it. For example, without the usual torrent of complaint and drama at Friday night cocktails, what would you talk about?
What you speak about, you bring about. If you only talk about bad relationships, that’s what you’re fortifying. By keeping thought on the positive traits you want to attract into your life, you will be what you want to see others express, attracting harmony into your life.
Have you ever had a toxic relationship? How have you dealt with it? Leave your comments below!
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