Hey babes! Can you believe it’s back to school time already? Summer’s just zooming on by! Just like time, there are many things in life we cannot control. The reality is you can only control yourself and even then, there are some limitations. Today, I want to chat with you about what actually falls within our sphere of control. Warning, it may not necessarily be what you’re thinking.
Trigger Check: This topic may be a hard one for you to discuss for personal reasons. I want you to know it isn’t meant to offend or hurt; it is meant to promote curiosity within you. If you still not up for this week’s topic, no worries, I’ll see you next week.
Comments, Control and Reality
I am sure at some point in your life you have heard about only focusing on what you can control. I’m also sure you’ve also heard countless times that one of the things you cannot control is someone else’s actions (and thoughts!). But let me be real with you, ya? You ready for this reality check? We all still to try control others either via arguments, trolling comments online or lashing out in anger over beliefs and actions of others. Sigh, hear me out first before rolling your eyes.
In a recent post, I discussed expectations versus boundaries. In it, I explained why and how expectations can be used as tools for control. Getting caught up in the cycle of control by striving to meet someone else’s expectations (or expecting them to meet yours), can cause some pretty extensive mental health issues such as anxiety disorders and even personality disorders. Who deserves to carry around all that anger, frustration, disappointment, and sadness.? No one, not even your worst enemy.
The ‘You Can’t Control It’ Checklist
Let’s be clear on the things we CANNOT control before I share the ONE and only thing you can control. Let’s go!
- Change- Sorry loves it is gonna happen whether you want it to or not. It actually is a good thing (if we are not changing, we are not growing). I admit though, it doesn’t always feel good.
- The weather- Obvs. Good grief I sure wish I could. Let me tell you, I would bring rain down on our hades weather here in Texas with a snap of a finger. Alas, we are no Storm from the X-Men, so we cannot and we might as well stop bitching about it too (cause that just promotes a negative outlook).
- Traffic- Yuck, right? You can put this time to good use though. Try listening to a book, podcast, or upbeat music. Warning – do not listen to the news. If you do, you run the risk of being trapped in the car mulling over the worst of humanity. Instead, try calling and catching up with your loved ones if listening to something isn’t your jam.
- The past- If only but sorry, no. We can learn from it, forgive it, and release it. If you need help with this, please seek a therapist or coach. Traumas or programming from the past that isn’t processed can cause serious havoc on us today and in the future.
- The future- Ha, did you think you could control the future? Sorry! You can work towards a goal sure but be flexible in your outcomes or you will be sorely disappointed. Anyone remember the hell that was 2020 lockdown? Didn’t see that coming on New Year’s Eve, did ya?
Special Mention
- Other people- This is a time sucking, pointless endeavor. It’s also a major biggie on the ‘let me try control it’ meter. Sorry, you cannot control or change someone. PERIOD. Not their beliefs, not their actions, nor their personality. Instead, you can:
- Set boundaries
- Remove negative ‘others’ from your life
- You can send them love from a distance, but you CANNOT control them.
This includes your significant other, your parents, your children, your boss, your friends, your neighbors, and strangers. This also means you can’t control what people THINK about you either or if they like you. Not to mention it is a giant waste of energy (and precious time).
So, what can we control?
Did you automatically think, “my thoughts”? If so, you are not alone, but you are not correct. Well, technically not really. You see, we actually don’t control our thoughts. We can influence them and with lots of effort and focus, change them. But it isn’t easy and rarely happens during ideal situations.Ok, so I’m sure you’re over there and asking yourself, well then what the hell can we control?
That’s it!
Shannon, this is a trick, right? No, it isn’t. Let me give you an example. You hate working out; it just isn’t your jam. However, your doctor said if you don’t, you will greatly shorten your life span and may have to be on terrible medication for life. So, you will do it, begrudgingly. The whole time you’re probably thinking about how much you hate it. Your thoughts are probably saying things like, “Ugh, I don’t want to do this, dang it I hate doing this shit!”. However, you’ve got to work out because you want to live longer, and you want to feel good, so you do it. You choose to do it, over and over again despite your thoughts.
The only thing here you really controlled is your ACTION and your action may slowly influence your thoughts. Say, if you start to feel good exercising, your thoughts may swing around to a new belief based on those feelings. Maybe over time you’ll find it enjoyable and even create an accountability system within a community. Make sense? I feel you nodding through your phone/laptop/desktop/tablet. Great!
The You CAN Control It Checklist
Here’s what you can control:
- What you say.
- What you do.
- Where you spend time.
- Who you spend time with.
- What you will put up with and accept; and what you won’t.
- How you react to others.
- All actions and choices.
- What you watch, listen to, subscribe to.
Here is an important question for you (and the answer determines how much joy vs frustration you invite in your life): Where are you putting energy? In the cannot control checklist or the can control checklist?
BTW, in our online yoga teacher training program we talk about control and give lots of tips and tools on how to live a life of equanimity vs unhappiness and frustration. Check it out!
