***Warning, this discussion on expectations vs boundaries may not resonate with you. It may even trigger a defensive response, but everything written is coming from a place of love & grace. Please take a breath and consider releasing it or learning from it. XOXO Shannon***
“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
―William Shakespeare
What Sparked My Meditation on Expectations vs Boundaries?
The other day I was mindlessly scrolling through social media when I came across a post with a quote that said something like, “Release expectations of others to have more happiness.” I liked the sentiment and nodded my head, until I realized the person sharing it had the opposite reaction. They said something like, “I refuse this- I have very high expectations of others to protect my energy”. Hmm…. was my immediate reaction; then it got me thinking about it from both angles.
I get it. Sort of. But…there is a difference between expectations vs boundaries. What I think the sweet soul posting the quote meant to convey was they were no longer willing to tolerate other people’s shit. She wanted to protect their own energy. This is the right mindset; however, the quote versus their caption is at odds. Why? This is an issue with boundaries, not expectations.
I’ve currently working on my second book, and it just so happens the entire book is dedicated to expectations (in a sense..more on that in the future). So, let’s breakdown what detachment and releasing expectations are all about.
What to really Expect from Expectations
When you have expectations, you’re trying to exert some form of control. In fact, ANY expectation of others is an attempt at control. Yep, let that soak in for a bit.
Now, as you’re all hopped up on what you believe people MUST do, you’re more than likely going to be met with the proverbial case of reality versus disappointment. You see, having expectations of others is a great source of frustration, disillusionment, resentment, and sadness because you simply CANNOT (and should not) control others. Even the great William Shakespeare realized it (see quote above).
Taking it one step further, let’s consult the Cambridge Dictionary, where an expectation is defined as, “the feeling or belief that something will or should happen.” Yep, that ‘will’ and ‘should’ are the real red flags. here is a kicker, most often the expectations we carry around of others are not even shared. You assume they’ll follow the guidelines percolating in your head. Yikes!
Ok, to quickly recap:
- Expectations means you’re trying to exert some form of control on the outcome of a situation or person (tough pill I know)
- This leads you to make to unfair judgments followed by anger, resentment, mistrust, disappointment, and more when ‘standards are not properly’ met.
- This problem pervades because you treat expectations as facts. When, in most cases. only one person, you, knows said facts.
- And don’t get me started on the other kicker- y(our) expectations can be highly unrealistic.
Oi! Expectations are an outward projection of your desires (or unmet desires) for others. And this, often accompanies the assumption that your desires are more important than others. Well shit! But that still leaves an obvious question, what the hell are boundaries then?
What to Really Believe about Boundaries
Cambridge Dictionary, defines a boundary as, “the limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behavior” or “a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something personal.”
Boundaries keep you safe, just as physical boundaries. When you have boundaries, you make healthy reflections of your engagement preferences with the world. By doing this, you communicate with others and establish a mutual understanding and respect.
Expectations tend to have a specific desire, whereas boundaries allow space for multiple outcomes. The latter allows you to consider different factors such as perspectives, situations, background, etc.
Your expectations are largely based on assumptions, whereas your boundaries are based on personal limits.
Focus on Boundaries not Expectations
Expectations are external, you’re more focused on the behaviors and actions of others and dear readers this is something you cannot control. Sorry love, no matter how you wish it, it is way beyond your span of control. The beauty of boundaries is they come from our internal reflections and focuses on our own individual needs, this makes it within our control.
It is important to note that expectations and boundaries are developed from the same root. They are our attempts at having our needs met, be it co-workers, friends, family, or a loved one. Recognizing what is really in our control, along with clearly communicating our boundaries, allows us to either have our needs easily met or a work in progress to do so.
Let me leave you with this reflection, what in your life can you change from an expectation to a boundary?
“When one’s expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have.”
– Stephen Hawking
Hey, down here *waves*. Before you go, I want to let you know that our online yoga teacher training covers boundaries and expectations. Even better, we allow our students the opportunity to dig deep into personal perspective and growth. Newbie or expert, come check us out!
