Relationships and their struggles
Want to improve your intimate relationships? Check out these valuable strategies from this week’s podcast with my special friend and guest Becky.
So many people share similar concerns about their intimate relationships: they may lack an emotional connection to their partners, feel inadequate compared to what’s “normal,” or face barriers to sexual intimacy.
To address these challenges, Dee and I were able to connect with Becky Branch from San Diego, a marriage therapist who focuses on strengthening attachment and connection. Her work is extensive, including EMDR programs to bring healing and recovery on an individual level to survivors of abuse, neglect, and trauma. She had a lot of words of wisdom to help strengthen any relationship.
Check out three key areas to deepen relationships, plus the resources at the end!
1. Communication brings connection
Sometimes we lack the emotional connection to our partners that we’re really craving. And it can be awkward, uncomfortable, and foreign to start a dialogue about this with your partner. Sometimes emotions – our own or our partner’s – can scare us! Becky shared some amazing communication strategies to help break the ice and get the dialogue started.
- Self-reflection: Find the words for what’s going on inside of you. We actually need to articulate language for our emotions, whatever they are, especially the vulnerable emotions of shame, embarrassment, or guilt. If we don’t even know what we need, how can our partners give it?
- Open the door to dialogue: This can be awkward if you aren’t used to it. But can you be brave for one moment? It can be as simple as saying, “Hey, let’s talk about our sex life.”
- “I” Language: When you’ve done the self-reflection to actually know what you’re feeling, share it with your partner. It’s easy to start a conversation with blaming or criticizing (“You never _____ !”). But this shuts down any chance at connection because it leads to defensiveness. Instead, start from your perspective and just share what you are experiencing: “Lately I’ve been feeling ______.” Or, “You know, I’m realizing that I’m not as comfortable with my sexuality as I would like. Can we talk about that?”
This process truly can lead to connection – if we take the time to articulate what we feel and need in our relationships. Bottom line: If we don’t share, we’ll never get better.
2. There is no “normal” – so embrace yourself!
Sometimes stereotypical gender roles can get in the way. I know I can be more distant and less cuddly than a “clingy” female caricature, while my husband is expressive, emotional, and artistic than an unemotional “manly” stereotype. Becky shared that from her German cultural background, her family was pretty distant emotionally, and she’s accepting that it’s okay to need her husband, and it’s good for him to feel needed sometimes, too. There’s no “normal” when it comes to gender roles, so find the dynamic that works in your relationship.
Somehow we’ve come to accept media portrayals as “normal,” when they definitely are not! The idea of the “sex kitten” doesn’t consider the mom who is exhausted and just needs a shower! Our work schedules, changing hormones, and different seasons of life all play a role in sexuality, so the Playboy stereotype just isn’t applicable. We even come to consider the female bodies shown in pornography as “normal,” but the vast majority of women don’t look like that, so why should we use that as a standard of comparison?
3. Enjoying sexual intimacy
Here’s a secret: sometimes, it’s not just about the sex. It’s all about the connection. We all seek connection and want it. In Becky’s marriage counseling practice, she said that men often bring up challenges in their sex life. This includes more than just the act of sex – it’s wanting to feel attractive, hoping to be held, and ultimately desiring a connection to their partner. Sex and intimacy mean different things to different people – we’re all different. Everyone’s wiring is different. Anxiety can be a huge barrier to sexual intimacy: anxiety that we don’t meet up what’s “normal,” or anxiety from negative past experiences. With the communication skills from Becky, we can tackle this anxiety and find a healthier path to sexual connection.
Resources for your journey:
- Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski. Becky said this book is changing how she views sexuality, and I just ordered my copy. Written by a neurologist, the book wants readers to find confidence and joy in their sexuality.
- The Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch. This is a more technical book that considers the anxiety we bring into sexual relationships.
- The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book dives into the ways we can communicate love! We have to know our own and our partner’s love “language” so we can meet each others need for connection.
