An Unexpected Fiery Discovery

It has been over a month since I took my very own retreat trip with Stoked Yogi.  I host retreats myself so it is such a treat for me to take a retreat trip. Not only can I dig into my own stuff, but I can also understand what it is like for a guest – it’s a great opportunity all the way around.

This particular retreat in beautiful Tulum, Mexico offered many moments for growth and expansion – most memorably the traditional Mayan Temazcal sweat lodge. You know, the kind of thing you see on the news: “A group of 20 women died in a clay cave from heat.” Or  “a group of 20 women found their spirit animals and experienced magical intuitive direction for their lives.”   I was expecting the sweat lodge to be closer to the second. 

We were told prior to leaving for the sweat lodge that it wasn’t a good idea to drink alcohol before going. Well, this was a trip for enlightenment… but it was also a beach vacation, if you know what I mean. Soo, I had already been enjoying delicious beach-side alcoholic beverages. Also, heat isn’t really my thing. Did I really need this “enlightening” and “toxin reducing” excursion? 

Despite my reservations about the alcohol and the heat, I went. Why? I just did. Maybe because everyone else was going, or maybe to reach outside my comfort zone… or both.  So immediately I began hydrating like a pro athlete on game day. We left the hotel at night and walked into the jungle – in our bathing suits. 

From a distance, we saw a giant fire pit, and as we got closer, we could feel its heat. The dome-shaped building was made of clay and had a small opening. We were greeted by a beautiful woman who described the symbolism and meaning of the sweat lodge experience. I tried to focus on what she was saying about the healing process for toxins in body and spirit… but I couldn’t stop thinking about how small the dome was, and how hot I already was.

The healer then gave each of us a bundle of delicious herbs we were instructed to use to ‘smack’ the toxins out of our bodies.  Huh? Truthfully I was like a sheep in this process.  I kinda heard what she was saying, but I just kept looking to the ladies next to me and planned to follow their lead.

To enter the dome, we needed to crouch/squat/limbo to enter. I was second-to-last in line to enter, which I thought would be a good thing –  you know, closer to the exit? It was dark inside, lit only by the small amount of evening light from the opening.  The ground was simply compacted dirt.  In the center of the dome was a large indented circle made of stones.

With over 20 women squeezed into this dome, seated cross legged on the dirt floor, we were quite tight. Our sweaty legs and arms were touching and overlapping one another. Just as the shaman continued explaining the healing process, a man with a large pitchfork entered with a gleaming red boulder. Not a rock, a boulder. I was starting to rethink my spot next to the exit, which was now inches from the scalding boulders. Meanwhile, the healer began rhythmically beating the boulder with a wet bundles of leaves to produce the steam, and the whole group began chanting. 

I was so confused. How did I miss this part?  How does everyone know what to say? My thoughts continued as the man brought in about four more blazing boulders.  Each time I felt my body shrivel up and all I can think of was my melted mess of skin and bones if he dropped a boulder on my feet.  I started thinking, Please don’t trip, please don’t trip… Oh God, he is going to trip because I am putting that thought out to the universe!  Uh, please gracefully and properly place every boulder, please gracefully and properly place every boulder.

By the time I registered the invasion of steam and heat, the guy closed the freaking opening to the cave.  It was completely dark except the red glow of the boulders. The healer kept beating the boulders with water to create even MORE steam.

I couldn’t breath.  I couldn’t see. I was squished into a ball of sweat and contorted limbs in a cave, on a dirt floor.  I kept telling myself, If my heart is beating I am still alive. My skin already felt sunburned. My nose and mouth were literally on fire.  The shaman instructed us to smack ourselves with our herbs since it would aid in the expelling of the toxins.  I couldn’t see a damn thing, but I heard smacking all around me. Screw it. I started smacking myself.  Literally. Maybe the pain from the smacking will distract me from the fact that I literally cannot get oxygen into my lungs.  At this point, I remembered I had a washcloth in my hand. Using it as a shield over my mouth, I managed to take short breaths again. And smack away. 

A battle began from this moment: my ego versus my desire versus the demonic heat.

EGO: You are staying in this torture dome.  If they can do it, you can do it.

DESIRE: This is ridiculous.  You have nothing to prove.  Get out.

DEMON HEAT: I totally plan to scorch you alive.

These thoughts raced around chasing each other as I did my best to take shallow breaths, focus on my heart beat, and smack the shit out of my arms and legs.  My legs were slipping and I couldn’t keep my contortionist posture much longer as I bounced and flopped into the ladies squished on either side of me. 

The beautiful healer chanted something that everyone miraculously knew to chant with her again and blessed baby Jesus the door was opened. I did it! I DID IT!

And in walked the gentleman with his pitchfork.  And more red blazing boulders.  My feet, which had slipped and relaxed,  instantly curled up and my heart skipped a few beats as I pictured one of the boulders crushing my toes while simultaneously curdling my skin.

“Wait, how long is this process?” one brave woman asked from somewhere in our darkened prison-cave-dome-fire hell. The healer explained there are four doors. Each door was 15 minutes.  We had three more doors to complete.  45 MORE MINUTES.

That warrior momma got her ass up: “Thanks, but I’m good.”  Three more women followed her out. My skin, my body, my bones, my tissues, my organs were screaming at me: GET UP AND GET OUT, NOW! I really cannot stress to you how much heat makes me feel awful, cranky and in some cases sick.  Yet, I couldn’t move.  

Something bigger than me kept me firmly planted on the hard packed dirt.  And the pitchfork kept coming. With each boulder entry, chanting, water smacking process, my body vibrated with panic.  Why are you still here?  What are you trying to prove?  You know you can’t do another 45 minutes.

The door closed again.  The steam became so thick you couldn’t see your hands in front of you.  So thick that it burned your lips, tongue and throat as it entered your body.  So thick that you felt it was seeping into all orifices of your body. 

The battle continued.

EGO: You will not leave this cave.  If there is even one other person in here, you are staying.

DESIRE: You are literally going to die if you stay in here. Get out!

DEMONIC HEAT: Someone or thing will probably die. 

I slowly breathed through my cloth.  I smacked my dumb ass. I listened to my heartbeats.  I allowed the battle thoughts to swirl and banter.  I felt a prickle of tears form as a small, tiny little unwanted thought popped up.

You always think you don’t need anyone else – but then when the going gets tough, you run.

I don’t know why this thought came up. It just swirled up into my consciousness surrounded by steam and heat. Through the carnage of my melting eyelashes it was there.

Then, the door opened. I did it.  Door two.  I made it through door two.  In came the pitchfork and smoldering boulders.  Two more women left.  And there I was, a puddle of sweat and brokenness who once again could not move.  

The beating of the bushel on the red smoldering rocks continued.  More steam.  More heat.  Fire was coming out of me as much as in me.  Chanting.  Beating.  Steam.  Fire.   Chanting.  Beating.  Steam.  Fire. 

The battle raged on. 

EGO: That’s right. You are staying right here with the rest of these women- toughing it out.

DESIRE: I give up.  You deserve to die, and it will totally be on the news.

DEMONIC HEAT: Something will burn in this fire. I will be victorious. 

Slow breaths.  Fire heat.  Slow breaths.  Fire heat.  Battle thoughts.  My body was a jelly of liquid mess.  I felt myself slipping over the two ladies on either side of me except I couldn’t even apologize.  No words would actually form in my mind or mouth.  I just slid over them as I tried to once again push myself into the wall to escape the torturous hell in the dome’s center.  

Slow breaths.  Fire heat.  Smacking. Slow breaths.  Fire heat.  Smacking. Then, the door opened. I did it.  Door three.  

I made it through door three and only had one more door left.  Another woman left.  In came the pitchfork and MORE smoldering boulders.  I really, really didn’t think I would make it to the last one.  I felt dizzy.  I felt nauseous.  Even as I thought those things, I knew that I could not even communicate that I needed to get out, let alone crawl my way to the door.  The door was closed. It was too late.  Fear literally gripped my entire being.  My chest constricted.  I was consumed with panic: “I can’t do this,  I can’t do this.”

Beating of the bushel on the rocks.  More steam.  More heat.  Chanting.  Beating.  Steam.  Fire.   Chanting.  Beating.  Steam.  Fire. My skin was melting off of my bones.  My bowels felt loose and I was not 100% positive all the liquid surrounding me was sweat alone.

Back at the cool, alcohol-serving hotel, when we were talking in anticipation about the sweat lodge, women talked about how they heard other people had experienced hallucinations, witnessed healing paths of enlightenment, or were introduced to their spirit animals.

My only hallucination was a vision of me as a puddle of meat and bones and blood and bodily fluids.  The only spirit animal I saw was a fire breathing dragon trying to melt my face off.

The battle raged on.

EGO: Good. Stay your ass put.  You can’t get up now or you will look weaker than the rest.

DESIRE: Does it matter what I say at this point?  You were supposed to get the f*ck out.

DEMONIC HEAT: Shhhh…can you hear something burning?

Then, another thought came into my head: You are still here, doing hard things. My mouth quivered, my eyes watered, and I thought about my unwanted thoughts from earlier.  And then, in my barely operable mind, I heard this:

You do need other people in your life.  You are still in this ridiculous cave because your good friend Ruth thought of you and brought you this cloth.  Truly, 100% if you didn’t have this cloth, you would have had to leave.  Ruth, who is sitting next to you now, is trying to hold your slippery, rubbery, useless hand as she can feel the energy of your fear and suffering.  It is okay to need people.  It is okay to take their offerings.  It is okay to allow others to serve and love you.  And because of this allowing, you are still here and not running.  It is tough.  This is bullshit hard, and you are still here fighting through it because of the love of someone else.

Then, the door opened. The door opened and I was free to leave. I was also free from an old limiting belief about myself. 

There was an itty bitty problem: I could not move.  I mean, like my body was a sack of liquid crap.  The other women warriors slowly stood and walked in a specific circular motion to exit and I leaned toward that direction and fell onto all fours.  There was no standing for me.  I slowly, inch by inch, crawled to the opening.  I felt sick.  I felt weak.  My lungs felt seared.  My eyelashes had left the building.

After I crawled out of the hole, I had a bucket of blessed cold water dumped over me. I felt an overwhelming love wash over me.  Love for cool air, love for the sweet water dripping over me, love for my friend Ruth, love for all the people who have supported me, and love for myself.  As I crawled and so very slowly stood at a stooped angle, I made my way to the fire stone pit. I threw in my bushel of self torture, right along with my old story – my story that I didn’t need anyone and that I couldn’t do hard things.  I do need people.  The right people.  And I can do hard things, especially with the help and love of those that are in energy alignment.  

In that sacred, hellish dome, I burned up something.  My body, yes.  But also a fear.  A fear that was holding me back.

Am I grateful for this experience?  Yes.

Would I do it again?  That would be a resounding HELL-FU&%ING-NO.

I am also grateful for something else.

For you.  For if you are reading this, you are supporting me and I need you.  Thank you.

Oh, and maybe don’t go into a cave dome unless you like dragons, melted skin and liquefied internal organs.