When I had a clinical practice, patients didn’t come to see me because things were going well and swell. All of my patients were coming to therapy to brainstorm solutions, tips, tools and coping strategies to things that were, well, shit for them. Some of it was based on a history of pain, but much of it was based on what they were dealing with in the here and now. Today, someone reached out to me for help who knows my background. With her permission. I have shared her message below.
Dear Shannon,
Things have really been all around terrible for me – I’m getting hit from every angle, my father figure who raised me is dying from terminal cancer; my health is in shambles, I need to have surgery to both wrists due to a rare tendon issue; I’m falling behind at my job and I’ve been beating myself up for each hiccup; and financially, I somehow must keep going because others, including myself, are relying on me to pull through. My life is falling to pieces and I cannot keep up. Despite being on several antidepressants, with sedatives, I cannot sleep well. My two therapists recommend I meditate to help calm my brain, but it is no longer working. The noise and the growing list of issues have dampened my ability to take care of myself and do something as simple as meditating.
I thought back on your book and your life experiences, so I’m reaching out for suggestions on how to overcome it all. I especially miss my ability to find peace while meditating. Any response would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Friend,
I am sorry to hear that you’re going through this but I am happy you reached out.
We have all been there. Family life is tough. Someone is ill. You are ill. Finances are struggling. Relationships are rocky. Car breaks down. All the things have gone to shit. I won’t say superficial things like, things will get better. I’m sure you know it will, but right now or for the immediate future, yes it is hard. But, it doesn’t have to stop there; I still have a few tips that might help you to cope. These are considerations, and not a one all be all, as some of these may not apply to you, or align with what works for you.
Seek Increased Support from Your Therapist
The first one is, of course, to work more closely with a therapist. As this is a blog, for those in a similar position, if you do not have a therapist, find one. Naturallly, I am a big believer in the power of therapy having been a practitioner myself. I also saught counsel from therapists at several times in my life. In fact, I currently have (and will always have) a psychiatrist I chat with once every five to six months. I’ve found that it helps me to refocus, gain clarity and challenge my way of thinking. Whether a therapist, life coach. or mentor you trust- find someone to chat with that will challenge your way of thinking.
Challenge Your Thoughts
Most of our suffering comes when we don’t accept that things happen in a way we didn’t imagine it. We must constantly challenge this habit because we cannot control it all. Also, please be mindful of the self-sabotaging thoughts or self-talks when we’re feeling this vulnerable. When we practice this, we are only looking for validation of failings in all the wrong places. You’ve mentioned your challenges with work, so allow me to use it as an example. We could start to see something happening at work that is uncomfortable as a bad thing. Ask yourself these questions:
- Is it?
- Or is it your thoughts about it?
- How can you look at it differently?
- How could it be a blessing?
- How could it be used as motivation to spur you in a different direction?
This isn’t to say things couldn’t truly be difficult this time around. But try not to focus on the fire looming in front of you but rather finding the water needed to exhaust it. In another instance: you mentioned your health is struggling and your finances are struggling. Those are truly terrible things to go through, but guess what? Thinking thoughts about how bad it all isn’t going to help, neither does it lend itself to finding different solutions. If you go that route, you will stay on the hamster wheel of finding validation for how terrible things are (remember our brains are designed to look for validation for our thoughts).
Do this to Help Cope When Feeling Overwhelmed
Follow these steps:
- First, I want you to think how you could detach from the situation and view it as an observer rather than a participant.
- Then I want you to step back and analyze it and consider what you would tell someone else in the same position?
- After that, can you think about how you could spend time accepting what is vs wishing it to be different?
Accepting is the first step to moving forward and passing the obstacle. Welcome these feelings and let them be present without judging, allowing them to be, then allow them to release.
Some Additional Tips that May Help
– Find connection so you can be reminded that you do not have to go through this alone. Are there groups you can join? Are there friends you can speak with about your challenges? This isn’t to commiserate and complain together (by the way, stop complaining!!). This is to feel connected.
– Know that you always (ALWAYS) have a choice. Not saying it is an easy one, but you have one. In all things. Even if it is just a choice of perspective. Yes, you can leave that job that is making you miserable. I get twisted up on this one. There’s NO job worth stress to the level of illness or distress. None. No matter the money. Picture this: you are in a hospital bed and the doctor tells you the only way you will live past that day is if you quit your job. Would you quit? Stress is the number one killer of humans. Quit the job.
– Can you find a lesson in the hell and chaos? Yes, it is possible. It’s hard but possible. You will need to do this by focusing on the lessons, heart-breaking as they may be, and move through it, so you can come out on the other side.
– Focus on what you can control. YOU. Not others. You cannot control anyone other than yourself so don’t waste your valuable time.
I’m sorry that you are going through all of this at once. But, there is one more thing: I’ve made it a point to stress the YOU in all of this because meditation is for YOU by YOU to YOU. While you may have previously been able to meditate for an hour or more, you cannot right now. And guess what? That’s ok! Start with a minute and build back from there. Even 60 seconds of just breathing and counting your breaths can help. Do it for you my dear friend.
XOXO Shannon
