I love seeing everyone’s goodbye to 2020 emails. Or the excitement for 2021 notes.
And I feel all the feels that everyone is sharing.
Like ‘f&ck 2020 was hard’
Or ‘I’ve learned so much in 2020 and am grateful for the lessons’
And ‘2021 fills me with HOPE’
Or ‘No matter how 2020 played out for someone, it is ok for it to not be ok for another’
I feel it all.
But I also wanna share that 2020 brought the very best of me out.
And the very worst.
I had to make some serious tough choices this past year.
And not just because we moved in the midst of pandemic hell. Not just because my husband and I both saw a 75% immediate drop in our business when the country shut down. Not just because there was so very much polarization of family, friends, neighbors and strangers.
But because 2020 forced me to look even DEEPER into who I am, what I stand for, who I spend time with, where I expend energy and what I could do better. It forced me to make choices that were not easy and didn’t always feel good.
F%ck.
Y’all when I wrote my book Surrender I felt like I had uncovered all the ugly already.
Wrong.
Ugly is sometimes hiding, waiting to show up, underneath challenge and chaos. And if 2020 wasn’t full of challenge and chaos – well stick a fork in my ass cause I’m done with this experience on Earth then.
- ->I found that I’m not nearly as compassionate as I thought I was.
- ->I found that I don’t have as much tolerance as I thought I did.
- ->I learned that I’m not as open minded as I thought I was.
- ->I learned that I can get way too wrapped up in the absolute BS of media and not think for myself when I do.
- ->I learned that when I’m challenged- I judge way too damn much- and yet I sit on a platform that promotes non-judgment.
- ->I learned that it’s easy being good and enlightened when things are fine. It’s our true character that comes out when things aren’t fine. Ouch.
- ->I learned that maybe I don’t wanna keep damn growing. Haven’t I grown and learned enough?? It’s so f’ing uncomfortable y’all.
Sigh.
You know what’s cool though?
Now I know.
As my very favorite quote says,
You do your best till you know better, then you do better. – Maya Angelou
So, I have made tough choices. But the tough choices are necessary. Even if it means doing life without old relationships or beliefs or obstacles I once allowed to be a part of my life or my mindset.
This year I’m not doing big goals. Instead I’m taking all this shit from above and leaning into it. I’m gonna allow it to continue the painful shaping of who I am (you know it’s painful for a caterpillar to transform into a butterfly right? Ya I am reaching here…).
I do, however, have some words that have come up for me for 2021 during my prayers and meditations.
- Hope. For myself and for humanity. This has nothing to do with Covid. But everything to do with learning to love one another. Even if it’s from a distance with proper boundaries in place.
- Abundance. That each of us feel worthy and are open to receive abundance. Whether it be in health, wealth, connection or love. I know we sure could all use abundance in 2021. I talked about this recently and even created an Abundance Candle for 2021 for all of us.
- Connection. Listen I’m gonna let you in on a secret not many actually know. I’m not much of a hugger. Yes I somewhat force myself to do so as I know the importance of the human touch, but my kids (and hubs) will tell you I am the opposite of touchy feely. Well, let me just say I can’t wait to f’ing hug ANYONE and EVERYONE in 2021. You better watch out, I am coming for ya.
I can’t end this without saying that my family and I have had an incredible year despite the apocalypse. I refuse to not acknowledge that we have had so many miracles in the middle of mayhem. The ability to move and build our dream home. Building out Retreat Ranch, support of my intentional product line, virtual events for my hubs- so many other tiny miracles. And for that I am speechless, humbled and so very f’ing grateful.
I hope your 2021 is filled with hope, abundance and connection.
I sort of look forward to growing some more with you in 2021 (damn painful crap),
xoxo
