When I was around nine or ten, my biological mother taught me a lesson I never expected to learn: how to steal. Yes, you read that right. She was the worst kind of thief too, preying on other poor people despite our own struggles with poverty. Growing up well below the poverty level, my nights were far from ordinary. Instead of dreaming peacefully, my mother would wake me and my younger brother in the middle of the night to canvas the streets, searching for items left in yards or on porches. When she found something she wanted, she would send one of us out to snag it.
At first, I complied, driven more by the desire to please my mother and the fear of her wrath than by any understanding of right or wrong. If I am being completely truthful, as a child of 9 or 10, I also thought it was exciting- going on these late-night excursions as a ‘family’ of thieves. But as time went on, fear got the best of me. I began to dread the nightly excursions, my anxiety mounting each time I was sent to steal.
Fear: Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it screams
One night, the fear reached a new level. As I was sneaking through someone’s yard, the owner suddenly came outside for a midnight smoke. Terrified, I scrambled to hide, squeezing myself under his front porch (have any of y’all ever been under a porch on the poor side of town? No y’all..just no). My heart was pounding so loudly that I was convinced he could hear it. I swung between being terrified of getting caught or being eaten by whatever was moving under that porch. I held my breath, both praying that he wouldn’t notice me and that I wouldn’t be bitten and scream. It was seriously just awful. That moment of sheer terror was a turning point for me. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this.
Eventually, I mustered the courage to say no. I told my mother I was afraid of getting caught. In retrospect, I realize that my motivation was fear of the consequences rather than an intrinsic sense of morality. Nevertheless, it was a pivotal moment. My mother was not happy with my refusal. Fists may have been involved, and the night ended in anger and disappointment. But the only silver lining for me was that she stopped asking me to steal and instead put the burden on my younger brother, who was about seven at the time and completely thrilled (I mean, what seven-year-old wouldn’t love a game of this nature?). It’s no wonder that he has now been to prison multiple times for theft-related issues.
Fear: A Protector
Reflecting on those difficult times, I realize that fear isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, it teaches us what to steer clear of. My fear of getting caught was a signal that something was profoundly wrong with what we were doing. It served as a protective mechanism, steering me away from a path that could have led to a life of crime and destruction.
Fear: A Teacher
Fear can be a powerful teacher if we learn to discern its true message. The key is understanding whether the fear is genuinely protecting us or if it’s holding us back from achieving something great. In my case, fear protected me from continuing down a dangerous road. It forced me to confront the reality of my actions and eventually helped me break free from a harmful cycle.
As I grew older, I learned to listen to my fears and assess their validity. Sometimes fear signaled a real danger, as it did during those nightly thefts. Other times, it was a barrier I needed to overcome to achieve personal growth and success. The challenge lies in differentiating between the two.
How to Discern if Fear is Holding You Back or Helping You Make Better Decisions
1. Identify the Source of Your Fear:
- Reflect: Take a moment to understand where your fear is coming from. Is it rooted in a past experience, a potential future event, or an immediate situation? Understanding the source helps clarify whether the fear is rational or irrational.
- Question: Ask yourself specific questions about the fear. What exactly are you afraid of? Is it a tangible threat or a hypothetical scenario?
2. Evaluate the Fear’s Validity:
- Assess Risks: Consider the actual risks involved. Is there a real danger, or is your fear based on assumptions or exaggerated possibilities? Listing out the potential outcomes can help provide perspective.
- Seek Facts: Gather information to either support or dispel your fear. Knowledge often reduces fear by addressing the unknowns and providing a clearer picture of the situation.
3. Examine Your Reactions:
- Physical Responses: Pay attention to your body’s response to the fear. Are you experiencing symptoms like increased heart rate, sweating, or a feeling of panic? These can indicate how seriously your body perceives the threat.
- Emotional Impact: Notice your emotional reactions. Are you feeling paralyzed, anxious, or overly cautious? Strong emotional responses can signal that the fear may be more about perceived threats than actual danger.
4. Consider the Consequences of Inaction vs. Action:
- Weigh Pros and Cons: Analyze the outcomes of facing the fear versus avoiding it. What do you stand to gain or lose in each scenario? Sometimes, the benefits of overcoming the fear far outweigh the potential risks.
- Long-term Impact: Think about the long-term consequences of letting fear dictate your actions. Will avoiding the fear prevent you from achieving important goals or personal growth?
5. Seek External Perspectives:
- Talk to Trusted Individuals: Discuss your fear with friends, family, or mentors who can provide objective advice. They might offer insights you hadn’t considered and help you see the situation from a different angle.
- Professional Guidance: If the fear is deeply ingrained or overwhelming, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide strategies and tools to manage and overcome your fear effectively.
Conclusion
Today, I use my experiences to help others navigate their fears, including at my Stress Reduction workshop I host at my retreats. I encourage people to face their fears head-on and evaluate whether those fears are serving a protective purpose or merely holding them back. Fear can be a friend or a foe, and it’s up to us to discern its role in our lives.
If there’s one uplifting message I want to share from my story, it’s this: fear can guide us toward better choices if we learn to listen to it wisely. It taught me to steer clear of a life that I can’t imagine and set me on a path of self-discovery and growth. Embrace your fears, understand them, and let them lead you toward a life of fulfillment.
Thank you, Shannon, for sharing your story! Your words speak such wisdom and encouragement!