We love to hear from our listeners when they leave reviews, but we also love to hear what issues and questions they’re dealing with. Recently, we got this note from one of our listeners:
“My daughter is 8 and is struggling with a girl in her class. I would love a podcast about raising girls in this day and age. I try my damndest to give her the tools to ignore the mean girls and be a leader… I would love to hear other bad ass women talk about raising nice, kind, and authentic girls.”
Check out the conversation we had with our guest, Rachel Weinstock, on this topic in today’s show. She is a teacher and speaker on inclusive education– but she can introduce herself!
Rachel: The teacher name I use is actually Miss Rainbow Fairy. I’ve even had administrators call me by that name over the school intercom. The name represents the magic I want to create at school. I think of myself as a combination of Mrs. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus and Miss Honey from Matilda. My background is in the expressive arts, especially performing, which I use now as a teacher and as a conference presenter. I think a lot of adults can feel the poison that children use against each other, but they don’t know how to respond. So, I love educating adults about how they can create safe, inclusive, anti-bullying spaces.
Shannon: What would you say are your top take-aways about addressing bullying?
Rachel: I break it down into emotional intelligence, and then we add in conflict resolution. We do this all with the gift of play. We recently had a national holiday off school, which I spent with my nieces. One of my nieces is terrified of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Even though she knows it’s just a character, she had a real fear. I then shared my own fear with her. I have so many fears for humanity on a large scale – poverty, global warming, hunger – but I wanted to connect with her, so I opened up about being afraid of mean people. Listening and relating – these were my first tools for connecting on her level.
Shannon: One of my strategies is role playing. I even do role play with my 16 year old! After role playing, I ask a lot of curious questions. For instance, “What would happen if something else was said? How would they react if you did this?” When having this conversation, you have to be on the child’s level, actually eye to eye with them.
Rachel: I couldn’t agree more. At school an upper elementary student just came up to me recently and said that several boys called her fat. We called the boys over, and they were instantly defensive. They said it was just a nickname. I said calmly, “I’m not mad, but I just want to know what happened.” First, I held space for the victim to share his or her feelings. Next, I held the space for the other party to respond. One boy quickly apologized, but the second boy was resistant. I think sometimes adults are too quick to move on, but this situation required some patience. Ultimately, the second boy’s demeanor changed when he knew that I would take the situation seriously.
Dee: I do personal and professional coaching, and this topic totally connects to the issues that adults are facing. I’d like to add that our expectations impact our experience. Our expectations of a certain person will impact how they react to us, so it’s important to hold our thought to the best version of any person– even if they’ve been unkind– rather than hold them to a worse version of themself.
Shannon: And I think it’s important that your story includes body image for girls. Negative self esteem can have a huge impact on girls of all ages, especially when adults are modeling that mindset. If the adult is making comments about her weight or diet, that insecurity or unhappiness rubs off on her daughters. Sometimes my daughters have asked me, “Am I pretty/ugly/smart?”My advice is to not jump into reassuring them. Instead, be inquisitive. Ask, “What do you think? Why do you say that?” Then, the praise that we give must be sincere. Children and teens will know that they really aren’t a musical prodigy, for instance, so it’s better to praise their progress and work ethic in their piano lessons than call them the next Mozart.
Dee: I’m making connections to work again. So many of us wear “busy” or “stressed” as a badge of honor. And this rubs off on kids! We need to model how to focus on the present and the positive. Now, Rachel, your advice in the school bullying situation was great. But as a teacher you had access to both sides of the situation. What would you do as a parent if you only heard one perspective?
Rachel: Like Shannon, I might role play the other side of the disagreement so that the student with hurt feelings gets to practice voicing their experience. I preview it: “I am just acting this mean energy, and we can stop at any time.” I hope to get the child to be able to voice how the experience hurt them.
Shannon: One of my daughters recently had a friend say that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I asked my daughter, “Are you nice to your sister when you’re in a bad mood? If you got in trouble and got your iPad taken away, would you be nice to her?” This imaginary scenario helped her realize that maybe her friend was going through something unrelated to their friendship
I can’t forget to add the disclaimer about screen time. These days, with social media, there is no safe space, no break, from bullies. When I went home from school, I had a break from whatever challenges were at school, but that’s no longer the case for this generation. My kids watch shows on YouTube where they are viewing other kids’ lives, watching them open a ton of presents, or hearing harmful messages. This can have such a negative impact on how kids feel about their real lives! In my house, we’ve started strict rules about iPads on weekends only for 2 hours max.
Rachel: Shannon is so right about taking a break from the social media. When I was growing up, it was Seventeen magazine that made me feel inadequate. But now as an adult I realize more that my self-esteem is highest when I am helping others. Ultimately, I commit to not letting things go with kids. If a student needs a break before we address it, that’s fine, but I will definitely come back to the issue.
Shannon: To sum it up, I’d say that addressing interpersonal issues like these requires listening. If the child says, “I’m ugly!”, it can be so tempting to tell them they’re wrong: “No! You’re beautiful! Don’t say that!” But that leads them to shut down if you say their feelings are wrong. You can instead gently explore alternative ways of thinking. Ultimately this is more empowering.
Rachel: Absolutely. Thanks so much for having me on the show!
Shannon: If you want to learn more about Rachel’s work, check out www.rachelweinstock.com/.
