The clock is showing 4:10am. It is time to get up and start another day. But, today, unlike yesterday, there is a ball…a knot really, of anxiousness mixed with dread in my stomach. It feels heavy. It is hard to breathe deeply. I feel afraid. Blinking hard and trying to fully wake, I ask myself, “what the fu$%?”.. internally of course..I don’t want to wake the husband. My body feels heavy even. The thought of getting up, of swinging my legs over the side of the bed, and then walking sounds like a bad idea.
If you know me at all, even a little bit, you know that I USED to have an intense fear of flying. I mean intense. Like the kind of fear….(insert shame face here) where I would take prescribed medication, time it just so, drink a glass (or three) of wine, and pour myself into a seat on the plane- unconscious for the flight. So dangerous by the way (imagine an emergency and I can’t really function….).
There are plenty of articles and resources on what needs to happen in order to be happy & healthy. The hard part is figuring out what works for you (not everything works for everyone) and then sticking to the process. Yes, it is a process to be happy & healthy. Just like it is a process to not be.
As I was filming for my coaching program, I spent some time with my clients on being more present and what that means. Why is it even important? Being more present is something that I too struggle with. I am constantly planning. Planning the next retreat, and the one after and the workshop after and then if it’s not business related, then I am planning our family events. Planning bring me joy, for sure, but I am constantly living in the future and excited about what is to come. I forget about what is happening right now.
One of my LIFELONG goals is to have a positive disposition about life. I have failed miserably at this more than I have succeeded, but I strive each day for a positive outlook, no matter what the situation is. Especially when I see a young mother of three, who lost both of her hands and feet to a terrible freak infection, show up to my CrossFit gym and kick ass- with a smile. That is like life throwing a big ass heavy ball at you and saying, “so there, now shut up and get your mind right”.
A ‘know it all’ will drive us crazy. I know, because sometimes I act like I am one and I drive MYSELF crazy. I constantly have to tell my brain- slow that shit down, you could be wrong here. I think, we all start off as ‘know it all’s’. Well, at least when we hit the ‘full of shit and vinegar’ teen years (that was my mom’s saying and somehow it stuck). My son used to make stuff up all the time and when I questioned him, his response was always, “I read it on the internet”, of course when I asked him which site, he always forgot.